I think it only makes sense for this blog to start with how my wife and I ended up here in suburbia,Texas with a pink, bouncing baby girl. I made an outline of steps you can follow if having a child is something you have been thinking about. It is a little more detailed than the video you can find here: _____________
Step One : DECIDE IF YOU BOTH WANT A CHILD AND CAN CARE FOR ONE
I had been on loop about how much I wanted a baby on and off for years before my wife and I started taking serious steps to make it happen. During those pre-child years my wife and I had plenty of fun: going out to bars, traveling to different countries and making impulsive/ questionable decisions, hosting game nights and parties, and slowly building our tribe. There were some key behaviors we went through during the pre-baby time that in hindsight screamed we were in no position to have a child yet.
I could want a baby in the morning, but decide I wanted to switch careers in the afternoon and that we had to relocate out of the States by dinner. We didn’t have the desire to be stable yet and that was OK. I’m so glad we took all the time we needed before conceiving a child. To be completely honest, our hang-ups about starting a family were because we enjoyed being selfish. I personally had to overcome my fear of missed opportunities and loss of freedom that comes with having a child. I’m not sure what my wife had to overcome, but the first time she said she was ready to start a family we were standing on a really great wall and her words at the time took me by surprise since she was never been the first to bring it up before. Other than psychological and emotional preparedness, we also considered if we were financially prepared and discussed how the dynamics in raising a child would go.
I personally have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) and I knew that to make that happen sacrifices would have to be made. The year before we conceived my wife had been laid off twice and her contract work cut short as she had finished her project early. It reminded me how important a strong emergency fund/nest egg would be living off one income. I once replied to a question in a mommy group about affording to stay at home. I plan on making a short post about that soon.
Step Two: LOOK AT YOUR OPTIONS FOR HAVING A CHILD as NOT ALL FACILITIES ARE EQUAL
There are basically two ways of procuring a child, make one or take one. This post concentrates on making a baby, but a separate adoption and fostering post is to come.
Carrying and Birthing
The Sperm-I’m starting here because in all those pre-baby making years I thought the selection process was the most fun! I would search the future characteristics I wanted my offspring to have. It was like binders of men, but much more technologically advanced. You can click to filter out what you want, EXACTLY what you want: eye and hair color, hair texture, height, education level, major in school, and many genetic components (I was genetically screened before the insemination and found I was a carrier for alpha thalassemia). We chose characteristics similar to my wife since I was the one who carried and whose egg was used ( reciprocal IVF is an option for couples where I could have carried her egg and therefore her biological child– it is a somewhat common choice for lesbian moms). Two well-known cryobanks include California Cryobank and Fairfax but there are many others. Just google “cryobank” and you will be bombarded! Once you think you have made your decision you will have to purchase the specimen made for the type of conception procedure you are interested in. People often asked why I carried the baby and not my wife, which is a fair curious question. In short, she was able to support us on her income alone and I waned to stay home with the baby so I chose to carry.
IVF vs. IUI
Here is a decently in depth explanation of both of these options, as I am not a fan of reinventing the wheel:
IUI Procedure vs. IVF Procedure
My own personal journey involved IUI after finding that my insurance covered nothing in relation to fertility treatments. Everything we did was out of pocket, however I did research different companies that do cover part or all of fertility treatments and would consider switching jobs if conceiving was something we struggled with or had spent more than 30,000 on. Here is a list of companies that were ranked best as far as that insurance coverage is concerned
Given my age at the time, 27, and finances we decided to go with IUI first. I compared facilities based on their success rate in IVF (which you can find Links: Success Rates which states it is based on CDC data) and figured if they had much higher success rates than the national average at IVF…. they must be doing something right. BE WARNED OF CHEAPER CLINICS WITH POOR FERTILITY OUTCOMES! This will cost you so much more in the long run.
My Personal (IUI) Story
At the initial consultation (around $200) I was given a cost breakdown on what to expect with this route which I appreciated. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) by my reproductive endocrinologist early on, so my oral medication was Letrozole instead of Clomid to help me ovulate. The thing that cost much more than expected for us were the intravaginal sonograms to track the growth of my follicles (related to the PCOS). My problems with ovulation and follicle growth lead to many ($400) sonograms. Some things are optional such as a Hysterosalpingogram which can range from 200-3000, this test checks to make sure there is a “clear path” in your body when the time comes for the insemination, conception, and implantation and the genetic screening was optional as well. With how much we were already invested we wanted to make sure we gave ourselves the best shot, so we went ahead and did it all. The hysterosalpingogram, basically turned your uterus into an filled water balloon until your tubes could clearly be seen open with contrast dye, was not comfortable; just a cramp, my ass! It felt as bad as my contractions in labor did. My body didn’t respond to oral medications so I had to take the Follicle Stimulating Hormone injections at home (the needles weren’t large, but my wife was really worried about having multiples as it can increase your risk) and tracked my follicles progress… thus all the sonograms. Leaving work was also really difficult, because you couldn’t tell your body to grow follicles or when insemination day would be. It told you. I had to ask for many early appointments and was lucky enough to get coverage for my first period class some days so that I wouldn’t have to use all my PTO just getting pregnant. When the day finally arrived that my follicles were ready, I was ready to take my trigger shot! I took the day off for the insemination so that my body was relaxed. My wife and I were both very excited that the day was finally coming. I found out when I woke up early that my body was acting like that of a teenager… it was ready to conceive, which made it even easier with my wife’s help to make sure I was really relaxed for the procedure in a few hours 😉. I attribute this to part of our success alongside the immediate actions in the car after the IUI procedure which I am not endorsing as I don’t think there is science to back it up, but it worked for us ;D.
Here is a slightly more official list of things that may help you conceive: Tips & Tricks
Adoption vs. Foster vs. Foster to Adoption
My wife and I had long discussions on how we felt about adoption and both agreed it was something that we wanted to do. In researching the path to adoption there are several ways to legally adopt nationally and internationally as well types of adoption and avenues be it private or public. My research and our small journey towards the foster to adoption path will have the link here (in the future) to read more about. I need time to further research how current laws are affecting adoption programs at the moment, for there have been some recent changes and I can only assume more with changes in elected officials. I have heard multiple times that even though my wife’s name is on the birth certificate she needs to hire a lawyer for a second parent adoption as a legal protection in the future.
Step Three: CHOOSE THE OPTION THAT MAKES SENSE FOR YOU/YOUR FAMILY
I personally was open to either fostering to adoption or getting pregnant (though initially I didn’t want to carry). However, the decision was made for us after we had already completed several hours of training for fostering; I conceived Ellie. I am not the normal case and I don’t want expectations to be set that you will likely conceive your first round. I have read that the chances of getting pregnant increase after multiple rounds of IUI before plateauing and dropping off (at which point IVF would then be preferred.) https://sites.google.com/site/miscarriageresearch/iui-success-rates is a great resource, they state success rates of
- Natural IUI: Studies show success rates of 2%, 3%, 3%, 5%, and 7% per cycle / 21% within 6 cycles
- Clomid IUI: Studies show success rates of 4%, 9%, 9%, 10%, 13%, and 14% per cycle / 33% within 6 cycles
- Gonadotropins IUI: Success rates of 7%, 9%, 11%, 13%, 17% and 18% per cycle / 61% within 6 cycles
- Clomid + gonadotropins IUI: Success rates of 14% and 16% per cycle
- General ovarian stimulation: Success rates of 7%, 7%, 9%, 9%, 13% and 22% per cycle / 29% within 6 cycles
- Unspecified: Success rates of 11%, 12%, 15%, 15%, 16% per cycle / 39% within 3 cycles, 58% within 6 cycles
(The data from the site it said to be collected from pubmed.gov -so I trust it.)
In fostering to adoption, they tell you that the main goal is reconciliation with family which I think I would have really struggled with at the time because of how badly I wanted a child of my own, forever. I am so happy that we were able to get pregnant, but I NEVER WANT TO DO IT AGAIN. I will probably tell my emotionally draining birth story another day, but I am looking forward to someday getting to write about out adoption journey for Ellie’s future siblings- and yes there is an ‘S’ there as in more than one!
❤ Dominique
LezGoBaby 